Tonight has been a really hard night for me. I always find myself mourning for my childhood whenever I feel scared or confused. Tonight is one of the nights I just want my mommy... as pathetic as it sounds. When you are a little kid everything just feels so certain. You feel like the most important person in the world. You know you're going to grow up and be rich, famous, drive a pink Porsche, have blond twins, and a golden retriever. I did anyway... when I was five-years-old I was certain of those things. I knew them to be truths.. I could not wait to grow up and be an adult. It was going to be the time of my life. Then you become a teenager and you just know you're the most miserable person in the world. No one understands you, you feel like you're all alone. In all reality your hormones have just turned you into a whiny brat, but you won't hear any of that. You are right in everything. You eventually make yourself feel better by telling yourself you're going to grow up and get out of your lame town and find yourself. Well.. .then you grow up. More than likely you're in the same lame town with same white trash people and rotting buildings. By this point you've figured out that there is no "finding yourself". You're just fucked really. All people are self-centered assholes.. including yourself. It's just human nature and human nature is ugly. After you realize that you and yours is no better than a family of rats... it starts to kind of weigh on your soul. Until you realize you have no soul either and then everything just weighs on your mind.. and we're all so damn miserable because of our minds. See this is where the rats are better than us. Rats don't have enough sense to know they're lives are hopeless and worthless so they don't have to be miserable about it. They don't have to feel disappointed in one another because they don't know any better. Humans know better.. but they act how they want to out of their own selfishness.. because they don't care enough. They care enough to be miserable about something or happy about something.. but that something has to revolve around them and if it doesn't it just doesn't exist. We get so angry with each other for not caring enough about each other but I believe that no person cares any more or less than the next. It's all about face value and reputation. Some people care about reputation some people don't. So fake people seem like good people and real people seem like assholes. I'm not really sure on who's the bigger asshole but everyone is an asshole all the same. My dog is the sweetest being I know and it's only because he doesn't know any better. I envy him. I'd trade places with him in an instant. Even considering the fact that I'm a selfish person so I'm not the best pet owner. He could be groomed more and played with more. He deserves better than any human.
In the beginning life seemed so perfect and certain. As a child there was this solid trust in the world. Everything felt sure and safe. Now I have kids and I just feel so sad thinking of how things really are. I hope my children hold onto their precious innocence as long as they can.. I think I believe that happiness ends after childhood. The frenzy of the rat race just sets in after that. You pretty much have that until the near the end. By the time it's over with you're crippled up with arthritis and a bad back so you feel a lot of pain as you sit in front of your television. Then you'll die.
It's all just sad.
It all just makes me sad.
